Walking With A Light Step
giving condemnation the slip
Around September I began noticing the slight tightening in the chest and the need to take some deep breaths as the white-water-rapid months approached. I love October and the entrance of fall, of mini-sessions, getting to see family in other states and the wonderful festivity of the holiday months. But coming to the end of pregnancy and needing the brain and physical energy to travel, accomplish the home - tasks before baby and wanting to make all the holiday memories magical began setting a high bar for what I’ve expected. Add to that the dose of acute awareness that comes from being raised as a preacher’s kid in the South - the awareness that there are needs all around you. From your immediate neighbors and neighborhood friends who may need a meal, to the families 45 minutes away who just experienced loss and more than anything probably need their bathroom cleaned and laundry done, to one’s church family, then immediate family, extended family and friends beyond that - I began spinning in my mind. How to reach everyone? How to do school and cooking, and all that needs to be done - plus anything extra? I’ve found myself asking, “what am I missing? How much is enough? What if I’m missing something important for someone that I need to be doing? What should a woman of 36 be good at doing by now? How am I falling short?” And as many things as I could think of to do or improve, there are always more. In my mind, this means, “there’s more required of me”.
JB laughed when I explained this to him a while back. I was telling him this in answer to his encouraging me to begin closing in the borders of what I’m saying yes to as I enter the third trimester. He’s a good man. He reminds me to prepare my body for birth, not just by exercising and eating well, but resting enough. He gives me permission to say no, which I don’t even realize I need until he’s advised me to say no to something, and I don’t feel like I can, even when I want to. “It sounds like all of this is leading to a heavy heart and an enormous checklist,” he told me. “It’s a form of legalism, really. To constantly wonder, ‘What is enough?’ Is sort of like saying, ‘what must I do to be saved?’ And once he said it, I knew he was right, by jove. “Remember, Jesus came to allow us to have a light step here. He’s not beating you up over the list of expectations. He didn’t design you to live to fulfill others’ expectations for you; that would be an impossibly heavy burden - and a moving target because those expectations would always be shifting. The list of things you actually need to do is far smaller than you are thinking.”
Which reminded me again of what Mama would say, that my first priorities are husband and children and church, then my immediate and extended family and the people where I live, beyond that. All else is a cherry on top. But there’s plenty to do in the sphere of where God has placed me. I forget that love is not always doing more, but having the ability to protect what lies closest within my borders, and being able to focus more, without guilt or second guessing the things right under my nose. In combat to that wave of nauseous fear and guilt of Not Doing Enough, this past week, I began saying aloud, as I would pick up Phin to give him a snack or cuddle, “You are in my realm to tend. I have perfect permission to take care of you.” Or in cooking, “I have permission to cook this meal without feeling guilty for not doing more for others.” Even if it sounds silly, it has been such a relief to recognize the things I’m called to, vs the vague heavy cloud of things I feel like I ought to be able to do. It’s a horrible feeling to disappoint (and in some cases hurt) people who expect more from you than you can give. But the freedom comes in knowing Jesus is truly enough, and He can take care of others’ lack, even when you cannot.
But that’s part of the enemy’s tactic. To simply laden you down with condemnation however he can, when the truth is, even when there’s something we need to actually repent over (and there is, each and every day), He accepts our confession, and cleanses us. He’s not disappointed and measuring us by the legalistic stick we enjoy beating ourselves up with. He tells us clearly, “There is therefore now, No Condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus.” And honestly, it’s just more easy for our flesh to continue wallowing in guilt than it is to reach up in faith and believe exactly that: I am not condemned. I am justified in the sight of God. He covers each and every oversight, mistake, shortcoming and deliberate sin.
If that is not reason to live in hope and walk with a Light Step, I don’t know what is. Thank you, Lord, for your unspeakable gift.